Relearning my limits

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injuries

I’ve been skating regularly all spring, and am mostly back to regular lessons with my main coach and moves coach. When I first returned to skating after surgery, I wasn’t sure how many of my lost skills I would get back, or how long it would take me to bet back to where I was. Having been back at it for about six months, I can say that I’ve gotten most of my skills back and can do generally all the jumps and spins that I used to do. (Probably not at the same quality level—spins are slower and jumps aren’t as high, for instance—but at least I can do them.) That’s a huge relief for me, because I was worried that I might not be able to jump anymore, and was dreading the possibility of having to quit freestyle skating.

Even though I am back at freestyle and feel optimistic now about continuing to progress my skills, I have found that there are new twinges and pinches and signs of weakness that I am hypersensitive to now, and that I’m not able to approach skating with the same amount of confidence. Sometimes I feel great and can skate like I used to, but I find that most days, I feel things in both hips (I only had surgery on one, but they’re both a little off)—those feelings aren’t necessarily painful, but I take them seriously as signs to be careful. I notice that I can’t skate as long as I used to before I feel that ache in my hip—it feels like there are only a limited number of jumps I can try without overdoing the joint, and the same for spins. I don’t feel that skating is reinjuring me, but I do think I’m more liable to be injured if I’m not mindful. So every practice is a constant assessment of how I feel and how much I think I can attempt safely. I stop often to check how I’m feeling, and often cut my practices shorter than I want to. Before my surgery, I would just push through because I wanted to skate more, but now I force myself to ease off, which is frankly really tough to do.

It’s a bummer to have new limits holding me back when skating is hard enough as it is with a completely healthy body, but I suppose I’m grateful that I can continue to skate at all, so I try not to get too disappointed by the new restrictions. I tell myself that I love the feeling of skating even without the fun tricks, and even if I have to hold back the desire to go all out, I’ll do what it takes to keep me skating longer.

Skate like you want to be noticed

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moves in the field

At my last moves lesson, my coach started me off with the usual warm-up drills around the rink. It was a busier than normal day, because there was an upcoming local competition and a lot of young skaters in costume were running programs back to back. The session is usually predominantly adults, but today I found myself dodging skaters, not quite able to fill out the whole pattern.

“I know it’s a crowded session,” my moves coach started off, “but… you skated like it was a crowded session. Like you didn’t want anybody to notice you.”

Ah, guilty as charged. I don’t usually think in those terms — Don’t notice me — but when it’s crowded, I do tend to shrink away and put myself in evasion mode, rather than actively attempt to skate. So I’d been more focused on dodging people than completing my moves, even when I probably was okay to continue, because I have a thing about not being That Adult Skater who gets in all the flashy teenagers’ ways.

It’s partly because, as an adult, there’s a certain amount of teenage know-it-all-iness you encounter, where the show-offs get annoyed at you for daring to intrude on their practice space. And it’s also partly because once when I was brand-new to freestyle sessions and not quite used to the flow of movement, a coach pulled me aside to warn me to pay better attention to the people around me, which I found mortifying and unnerving (because I was horrified at the idea that I was that clueless adult). (Also, where are those coaches now, when the high-level show-offs are whizzing dangerously close to everybody and expecting everyone else to clear their path? Hmph.) But because this is what I do, I took one bit of critique and went extreme overcorrection on it: So now, I scan the ice way more than I practice on it, I step aside readily when a more aggressive skater is around, and I abort moves at the drop of a hat. It’s not a productive habit. I should probably work on getting more assertive on the ice.

My coach sent me back for another lap, instructing me to skate with more purpose and confidence. “When you skate, it looks very pretty,” he said, with a twist on the “pretty” that made it clear it wasn’t necessarily a good thing, “but it looks like you’re just going through the motions. You’re very meticulous, but it’s like you’re thinking through all the positions.”

Another spot-on critique, because that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. I’m too busy concentrating on proper form and technique that as a consequence I generally have zero power, and no thought to presence or flourish. So I went back into the crowd, trying to do as he instructed: Chin up, shoulders down, arms raised, looking like I had every right to be on that ice — taking up space, rather than feeling apologetic about my presence on it.

Relearning how to skate

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basic skills, injuries

Okay, maybe the title is a little dramatic, since it’s not like I was away forever or that I had to start completely from scratch… I’ve been back to skating for two months now, although only once or twice a week and still taking it easy. I haven’t resumed lessons yet, although I plan to in the near future; I’d wanted to be back at lessons by now, but my coach was busy through the holidays and so was I.

In the meantime, I’ve been getting my feet back under me, and getting more comfortable being back on the ice. I was surprised at how quickly some skills came back, and how some just… didn’t. I started out tentatively with stroking and basic skills, then gradually added freestyle elements as I felt comfortable. After several sessions of feeling awkward and wobbly, I started feeling stronger with basic edges and stroking, which was a relief. I practiced from the pre-bronze moves in the field and then worked my way up through bronze and silver. Right now I feel like I’d be able to pass the bronze moves test again, but I’d fail the silver.

I held off on jumping for a while but resumed working on spins, and they were just awful — it was like I was back in Learn to Skate, trying to hang on to more than a revolution or two before wobbling out. I was surprised that the backspin was easier to get back than the forward scratch spin (which is still AWOL), although I suppose my backspins had been more reliable before the injury. Even at my best, I struggled with the forward entry, and now that I have no power or speed, it’s even more evident that the basic technique is lacking. For some reason I find the backspin entry much simpler and I trust that edge more going into the hook. I suppose the silver lining is that now I really do have to find the right technique and not just muscle through the forward spins.

I returned to jumping very very cautiously, which was a double-edged sword, since jumping with no speed or power is so hard. I’m sad to see that my loops are the worst off, because my right (landing) hip is the weak one and I’m afraid of twisting it or putting too much pressure on it, so I’ve started bailing on a lot of attempts. I want to figure out how to continue to practice them without getting into that pattern and learning bad muscle memory! Flips and lutzes… are a work in progress. For whatever reason they feel safer to attempt (for my bad hip) than loops, so I am practicing them, but they’re just not there yet.

Lots to work on.

Goals for the upcoming year

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goals

I’m terrible at seeing through goals — not because I give up on them, but because I tend to plain forget about them! — but in the name of fresh starts and new years, here goes.

• Testing: Pass either my silver freeskate OR my gold moves. I’d love to do both, of course, but that may be overly ambitious, so I’d like to focus on one for now. I’m leaning toward the silver free, but it depends on how soon I can be back to pre-surgery form.
• Competition: I really, really wanted to compete in Sectionals this spring, because it’s in my neck of the woods and very likely will move out of town next year. But there doesn’t seem to be enough time to get a new program ready by March (or even Adult Nationals in April), so I’ve set my sights on the adult international competition in Vancouver. It’s technically an international trip, but since I’m on the West Coast, this may be an easier trip than making it to Nationals on the East Coast, and it would give me through summer to get back in shape.
• Get all my single jumps back. I’ve started jumping recently and can land some, but they’re very dinky and awkward, so I’d like to get these back to where they were last year (and better, of course). I’m not sure about resuming work on the axel; I’d love to do it, but I’m still not sure how strong my hip is.
• Spins: Get them all back, of course. Also, get layback consistent with better free leg position and back arch. Get more than 2 revs in my back camel. Work on flying camel.
• Incorporate new footwork into my programs, such as split jump, hydroblade, (at least a double) twizzle.
• Flexibility: I’ve lost a ton of flexibility all over, and some of it may never come back (sniffle at my dreams of a beautiful outside spreadeagle or my ultimate dreams of an Ina Bauer into an axel). But I’m sure some can be worked on gradually, and I want to at least get back mohawks and inside spreadeagles, maybe some baby Ina Bauers, and spirals.
• Get into overall shape (to where I can do 2 run-throughs back to back), lose 15 pounds and regain the muscles that disappeared.

Easing into post-surgery skating

Tags

injuries

It’s been a frustrating summer/fall, being laid up after my hip surgery and not healing as fast as I wanted (or the doctors projected), but I’ve finally started to feel like there’s hope in sight. Following my surgery, the immediate pressure and pain inside my hip joint eased, but I wasn’t actually able to sit upright in a chair for months; the angle put undue pressure on the joint and I could only take it in short bursts. So despite feeling generally better and able to walk and stand freely, I wasn’t able to work in a chair, drive, or eat at a dining table. Frustrating, to say the least!

I went to physical therapy and had lots of check-ups with the doctors, who didn’t seem that worried although I was starting to be when my recovery seemed to stall and plateau. I know it’s only been three and a half months since the surgery, but I really didn’t think I’d still be bed-bound after several months, and it was concerning. I completely understand now why pro and elite athletes fall into depression when they’re injured! I’m a pretty positive person in general, but mentally dealing with the recovery was a lot harder than I thought it would be — I expected crankiness and frustration, but I was surprised by a few sudden bouts of panic and anxiety, and an overall cloud of depression that went beyond temporary sadness. It wasn’t even about skating in particular, but about life and general existentialism at that point.

(If you don’t mind seeing a picture of the surgery camera and labral repair, you can click this one for a bigger image. The torn labrum was anchored to the bone, and the broken/loose cartilage pieces that were damaging the joint were pulled out.)